Taken
by Colelockian
Summary: This is a dark Merthur fic. When Merlin and Arthur go on a hunting trip, Merlin gets kidnapped. WARNING! Suicidal thoughts, torture, rape, a very sad, broken Merlin. Please R&R.
1. Hunting Trip

*So I've been working this one for a few weeks now and have several chapters and thought I would share. Be warned the first chapter is pretty mild but it gets very, very, very bad and quickly. The chapters I have written out I'm actually a little disgusted at myself for coming up with them so that's warning hope you enjoy.

It has been like any other hunting trip. Arthur is killing fleeing animals left and right. I'm following behind collecting his kills and mounting them on my poor old mare, trying not to trip over roots and fallen branches. Somehow I still manage to fall at least a dozen times adding to Arthur's mirth and hearing him complain loudly about me scaring off the game.

After several hours of hunting and the sun is vanishing behind the mountains, Arthur calls a halt.

I am tasked with the setup of camp and the making of our meal. Luckily Arthur hunted and we have a selection of fresh meat. I make a light stew of rabbit and clean up once everything is eaten. This is my life as Prince Arthur's manservant day in and day out. I don't complain...alright I complain but it could be worse.

After cleaning up as always I offer to take first watch and much to my surprise Arthur gives it to me. Arthur usually takes first watch and wakes me for the second shift but tonight I will be the sole guard between Arthur and the things in the world trying to kill him.

"Just listen for bandits." He tells me with a smirk, unrolling his bedroll.

I can't ignore the slight fear that shoots through me, "Bandits!" I try to sound a little concerned but it comes out rather high pitched with fear. Bandits aren't the worst that we have faced but they still scare me.

Arthur shakes his head, laughing. "Relax; I won't let anything harm you." It is supposed to be a jibe at my cowardice but it comes out more like a promise and I can see the softness in his eyes. I don't let myself read into it too much.

"Yes, just let me relax when bloodthirsty bandits roam the forest and could just happen upon us in the night." I snap at him but Arthur just chuckles as he settles into his bedroll on the other side of the fire from me..

"I'm not worried I have faith that we will have a quiet night just don't fall asleep." He warns pointing at me sternly.

I make a face and roll my eyes receiving another chuckle. It doesn't take long before Arthur's soft snoring tells me he is asleep and I settle in for a long night. Stupidity settles in as well and I fall asleep.

Suddenly bandits!

I was happily asleep, dreaming of flying rabbits or something then I'm being shaken awake and tossed around. I'm groggy and I'm having a hard concentrating as I'm manhandled. I'm pulled to my feet and gripped tightly from behind; a stiff body is holding me. When I fully contemplate what is happening I yell out and struggle against the hands gripping me. When cold metal is pressed to my throat I freeze instantly and hold my breath. One false move and the blade will break skin.

"Keep that up and you'll see your life leaking out of you." The man holding me warns digging the blade in enough to push his point.

My eyes register several figures dressed completely in black showing only eyes. The group in our camp is digging through bags and packs. Things are being thrown left and right with no sense of direction.

I see Arthur is receiving the same treatment as me. He is already sporting a freshly bleeding wound on his forehead. His eyes bore into me, trying to relay something that I don't understand. I do know whatever happens Arthur needs to survive which means I'll probably have to do something he deems stupid to keep him alive.

"Hey looks like we got some from Camelot." A gruff voice yells from nearby.

The man holding me takes in a sharp breath. "Camelot, they have some sweet meat there," the man is taking in a deep sniff dragging his clothed nose up my throat, "Are you a sweet meat?"

I don't respond but I can't help my eyes widening in terror. I had heard of men like this but I had never thought that I might be in a situation like this and I can feel the fear coursing through me.

There are too many. Arthur can't hope to defeat this many no matter how skilled a fighter he is. I have seen him battle several men at once but never more than a dozen and there are definitely a lot of men.

"I am looking forward to bedding you later tonight. You will love it." The man holding me growls. One of his hands is sliding down my back and grasping my arse painfully.

I'll have a bruise later.

I choke out a cry from the sharp pain, jerking enough for the blade at my throat to cut slightly, its a small sting. Arthur struggles against his capture. I throw him a look to try and assure him I'm alright.

"Looks like this one has a problem with you Sten." His calls pulling Arthur roughly back. The men surrounding us laugh.

Sten, the man holding me, pushes me forward. I hit the ground near Arthur's feet but don't have time to do much before Sten is on me again with the knife.

He pulls me from the ground by my hair. I hiss with the pain and climb to my knees with him bent over me. The pain in my hair is not too much but I can't act with Arthur so close to danger. I manage to keep my hands balled into fists at my sides.

Arthur is eye level, his concern for me showing brightly as is the anger and conflict that he is fighting to stay in control.

I give a small smile trying to relay not to do anything.

"So knight of Camelot is this your squire or servant?" Arthur doesn't answer, he just glares. "His clothes tell me servant, so I assume he's your easy fuck." Sten asks jerking hard on my hair.

I yelp and tears are brought to my eyes and the crowd laughs, hooting and yelling their amusement.

"Not a conquest then so you want to fuck him." Sten lowers his face closer to my ear, his breathing is almost heavy. "I can see why, his lips scream for cock."

Suddenly a tongue is invading my ear. I try to move away but Sten's hand is gripping my hair and the knife is biting into skin. I squeeze my eyes shut, doing everything to ignore the wet muscle violating my ear.

Sten ends my torture with a triumphant and satisfied, "Delicious."

Arthur bucks against his capture again, eyes burning. Sten laughs before dragging his tongue up the side of my face. I shudder. "Definitely see why you keep this one." The man says pressing the steel into my throat a bit, releasing a thin bead of blood.

It's doesn't hurt but I can feel the warmth rolling down my neck slowly and a slight sting that awakens my nerves further.

"He is nothing, let him go." Arthur finally speaks. His face is like stone but his eyes give him away.

I know he's trying to save me but hearing him say I am nothing hurts a little.

Sten isn't buying Arthur's attempt. "Do you think I am stupid, knight?" The Prince doesn't answer, "I know a ploy when I see one, and this servant of yours is not nothing, not to you anyway."

I know Arthur is my friend and I know he's never had a friend like me before but his attachment to me is surprising at times especially in times when I should be the one saving him.

Sten seems to have underestimated me because he's let go of me with a hard shove forcing me on the ground. I'm thinking through spells. I need something to help Arthur but I know that that will expose me. I can't linger on that right now especially with our lives counting on me.

"Sorry boys," Sten is saying, he's speaking to his men, "We'll have no fun here tonight, and we have orders, but doesn't mean we can't have a prize." The men around us cheer.

Sten moves over to Arthur and leans close. "Now knight I won't kill you, you will return to Camelot and deliver this message." Sten pulls a scroll from his person and slides it into Arthur's shirt. The bandit stands, stepping back from the Prince. "And don't worry about your servant; I'll take really good care of him."

"No!" Arthur roars and Sten pulls a knife. I push myself to my feet without knowing what to do as the knife descends. The handle meets Arthur's skull and he collapses, unconscious.

"Arthur!" I scream and something hits my head before I can go to him. I'm swallowed by darkness and know nothing.


	2. A Man With No Name

Waking I feel pain all over my body especially in my head and I can't think why, probably something to do with Arthur. I grumble and groan, rolling to bury my face in a very soft pillow.

A hand touches the back of my head. "Hush little dove." A deep voice speaks.

I'm suddenly alert and very confused, I roll away falling from the bed, moving as quickly as possible I get to my feet. Backing my body up until I hit a wall I look wildly around the room, colors and dim lights obstruct my vision.

A looming dark figure approaches me and catches my arm. I struggle to free my arm but the man gripping it only painfully tightens his hold.

"Steady dove, don't hurt yourself."

The man speaking is tall, towering over me like a mountain. He's face is clear of hair as is his head. Large brown eyes look down on me with intense heat and desire.

"Where am I?" I ask not expecting an answer. I have been in situations like this before but never without Arthur by my side.

The man smiles at me and reaches out. His fingertips dragging on my face, I flinch away. His hold on my arm drags me forward. "You have nothing to worry about dove," He whispers, "You are safe in my castle."

Castle, Arthur? "What happened with the bandits?" I ask as my memory is slowly coming back. I remember Arthur being knocked unconscious just before I was.

"Yes that was rough, wasn't it? My hired bandits had orders and they nearly failed," the man replied, "don't worry my dove I killed them."

I stare, feeling my confusion building. "Why am I here?"

"I've been watching you for a while," the man's tone is soft, "I've seen the wonders you've done with your magic. How you've risked your life for your Prince."

My mouth falls open when he says magic. "I don't have magic." I try lamely.

The man shakes his head giving me a knowing look. "Dove, I know you're magic. You have a noble cause Emrys but it will not happen the way you wish it to. You hide within Camelot obeying Uther." There is anger in that tone.

The man grabs my hair, dragging me to my feet. I hiss and follow the pull. He pushes me to the wall and crowds against me. Our faces are inches apart. The man still has a hand in my hair while the other grips my wrist. "You serve against those who follow the old religion and my dove you must be taught a lesson."

Suddenly the man crushes his mouth to mine. I fight but his hold on me is too strong. He pulls violently on my hair and I gasp with the pain. The man presses in and shoves his tongue down my throat. No matter how hard I try to struggle I can't get any leverage. I can't focus enough to even attempt a spell and the man's mouth on mine is edging towards painful.

When I'm finally released, the man doesn't move from me. "You will learn."

I am frightened beyond words and I somehow remember that I do indeed have magic. As I start to concentrate on it a sharp pain erupts in my skull. I yell out with the agony barely able to remain standing.

The man's body is fully supporting me. "You will learn." He repeats.

*Next chapter is rape.


	3. Harsh Lesson

***WARNING! Very descriptive rape scene.**

I wake, startled. I don't remember how I came to being unconscious in the first place. I hear the words "you will learn" whispering in the air around me. My whole body feels whatever torment I've gone through. Memories start emerging slowly.

My captor throwing me around before knives and other sharp objects start coming in to play. Several deep cuts and swollen eyes later the pain becomes too much.

My ribs ache giving me the assumption that I have been kicked a few times. Shifting, I slowly lift myself up and scan around, noting that nothing feels broken. I am alone in a comfortable and nicely furnished room.

Moving slowly from the tall canopy bed, I try the door and find it locked. I didn't think it would be open but I had to try. I turn back to the room. It's furnished but sparse with only a bed and dresser occupying the space. The dresser nearby has a mirror balance on top. Crossing to it, I look to see the damage I have;

My eyes are surrounded by deep purple bruises and one is completely swollen shut, the other eyes is red with broken blood vessels. Dried blood is caked in my hair and under my nose. Touching that area gingerly I am glad to find it's not broken but very tender. There's a thin cut on my throat from the bandit attack but it has long stopped bleeding and not too deep. Looking away from the mirror I lift my shirt and study the marbled bruises and shallow cuts that cross my ribs, all in all not as bad as I thought.

Leaving the mirror I go back to the bed and climb on. The movement strains my injured ribs and I hiss through my teeth until the pain settles. I sit cross legged in the center and take a deep breath.

I then concentrate on my magic as before pain erupts in my skull and I stop, pulling back. Gritting my teeth, I slowly ease towards my magic. The pain returns but it's not as agonizing. I hold myself there until I can't handle the pain.

Releasing my concentration, I find I am breathing heavily and dripping sweat. I hadn't realized how straining the whole ordeal was. Whatever spell is effecting my magic is rather powerful and won't be easily broken. I will have to locate the source of the magic and destroy it before I can even try to escape.

Arthur will come.

A small part of me wishes but I know that that might not be true. Uther will never allow Arthur to risk his life for a servant no matter what. I sigh heavily and fall back onto the bed. I will have to bid my time and learn what I can about my captor.

I know the bandits had been hired and then killed by the man who is my captor, but why? The man had said he knows I have magic and that I have been using it to keep Arthur alive. The man had gotten angry about that fact or was it the fact that I have helped end a few magic user's lives?

It makes me sad and feel guilty thinking about those few, the ones I couldn't help and some who had been falsely accused. I feel responsible for their deaths and know I deserve every punishment this man gives me.

As if on cue the door unlocks and my captor steps in. His eyes are locked on me as he waves his hand at the door and the lock latches.

I sit up rather quickly and wince with the movement. "You have magic!" I gasp disbelieving.

He smirks and doesn't answer. Instead he begins unbuttoning his shirt.

Fear races through me and I start to edge off the bed. The man flicks his wrist and I am forced back on to the bed. I struggle but the magic holding isn't slacking and I know what is to come. From my position on the bed I can't see the man anymore but I listen as his clothes hit the ground.

"Let me go, please, let me go." I plead. I know I deserve punishment but not this kind, no one deserves this kind.

The man's weight shifts the bed and then he appears on top of me completely naked! "Hush little dove," he whispers stroking my cheek which is now wet from my tears, "You deserve this pain."

"Please don't." I try but his mouth covers anything I'm about to say.

I can't escape the tongue digging in my mouth or the fingers probing under my clothes. The man is stripping me layer by layer until I'm as naked as him. His leaking shaft is rubbing sickeningly across my stomach, leaving a thin trail of pre come. The man is still viciously attacking my mouth as fingers travel towards my arse. When the cool finger tips meet my tightened hole I cry out.

I hate my body for betraying me, for even reacting in such a way to this violation. "Please!" I whimper. It isn't an invitation but the man takes it as such.

Two fingers dive into my body, dry and without lubrication, stretching protesting muscles. I shout and struggle but that only pulls the fingers further in, penetrating my body more. The man is pumping those digits in and out in a vigorous pace. He then adds a third finger, scissoring and hooking the fingers inside me. They stroke a spot deep inside that forces air from my lungs as sensations race through me.

"Oh yes there it is!" The man mutters in triumph, touching the spot again.

The noises flying from my mouth are supposed to be of discomfort and general protest but they come out as breathless and encouraging. The pleasure flooding my body makes me feel disgusted; I hate myself the longer this goes on.

"I think you're ready." He murmurs. The smile on his face is awful and his breath reeks of cinnamon.

"Please don't!" I whimper. My body is humming for the abuse I know is to come, I want to fight, I want it all to stop but I know it won't. I have never been taken this way and never wanted to be.

The man pulls his fingers free and my body arches towards his with longing. Why can't I control myself?! The man is lining himself up and snaps forward, thrusting himself completely inside again completely dry.

I scream with the pain and pleasure of the breach. The burning of the stretching is almost overpowered by the fullness of the penetration. I struggle but that pulls him deeper and I can feel his whole length inside me. It doesn't hurt exactly but it is definitely uncomfortable. I've never been taken this way and I hate it. I hate my body that is humming for everything. The bile building in my throat burns, begging to be released.

The man pulls until just his tip remains then he drives forward, forcing all the oxygen from my lungs. He picks up the pace until he's slamming into me at a bruising speed. I can feel every inch of him claiming me over and over. I'm no longer coherent; my words are a mixture of pleas and protests. I want him to stop but I want him to go faster and deeper as well.

"You. Deserve. All. Of. This!" The man growled grinding into me.

Without warning my own length is spurting, ripping a scream from me. My seed splatters between us but the man doesn't slow his speed. My body is limp and pliable. It's a few minutes more before the man's thrusting becomes frantic, increasing the speed even more. When his release erupts through him, I feel his warmth filling my insides.

He thrusts a few more times before collapsing on top of me. My injured ribs sneer with pain but I don't have the energy to try anything. I can feel the man softening inside me but he isn't showing signs of withdrawing. My muscles flex around him and he jerks. Pulling up without pulling out he grips my hips.

"Don't!" He growls before biting down on my shoulder.

I cry out with pain. There's going to be a mark, maybe even a permanent mark. Blood is seeping down my body slowly.

The man finally pulls out, taking everything with him. I don't feel human anymore; I'm a husk, raw and thoroughly beaten.

"Have you learned your lesson?" The man whispers. I can smell my blood on his breathe and I force back a gag. I don't respond but he doesn't stick around. Without another word he leaves, leaving his clothes.

I feel like I've left my body and have watched this terrible act happen to someone else, that I am just a helpless bystander forced to witness this disgusting display. I can feel everything that has happened but at the same time it's distant and less connected to me. I don't understand it and I don't want to. I want to remain in this disconnected place where it feels more like a nightmare.

Suddenly I'm sucked back into my body and I feel everything intensify. Every bruise and ache beats with my heart. The stretched and abused hole of mine is pulsating along with the bite on my shoulder.

I start sobbing, my voice is broken, cracking with the emotion of everything. Nothing in my life could compare to this moment. I roll into a ball, feeling the man's remains shifting inside me. It's disgusting. I'm trying to sink somewhere I'll truly be safe but no place exists. Not anymore.

*I hate hurting Merlin but there is more to come, sorry.


	4. Taking Wing

A week, I think it's been a week, has past and every night I am subject to visits from my captor. He forces himself inside me usually without a word than leaves. I have become a shadow. I eat and sleep and do all the natural things but I don't do much else. No one else comes, food appears three times a day and the chamber pot empties itself. I stay on the bed dreading the next visit. By the end of that week I feel nothing.

I lie on the bed and let him do as he wants. Most of the time he just fucks and leaves, other times he beats me, renewing my wounds and adding to the collection. The bite on my shoulder gets refreshed every night and I know it will be permanent.

After each night he asks the same question; "Have you learned your lesson?" I have forgotten what I am supposed to be learning so I remain silent.

When he comes in this night, he undresses as usual but summons me to his side.

"Get on your knees dove." He commands, pushing me down.

My knees hit the cold stone. I kneel there waiting for the next order.

"Open your mouth," he says, "Yes just like that."

Before I get too comfortable, his length is shoved into my mouth. I gag slightly but my captor doesn't care as he begins to rock in and out of my mouth. The head of his shaft is hitting the back of my throat and his hands are ripping out my hair.

"Such a beautiful fucking mouth dove." He pants.

The rhythm is brutal but my captor isn't finished even as he spills down my throat. His shaft didn't soften when he empties himself. Pulling free of my mouth he drags me to my feet, shoving me against the bed.

He bends me over and plugs straight into my arse without preparation. I scream with agony but he holds me down as he pumps in and out. The pace is brutal but I don't protest, it does no good and I'm just wasting my breath.

"Good dove so tight and wanting." He breaths snapping his hips.

I can feel him completely seated inside me and hitting everything when he's moves.

"God dove, your arse is so fantastic. It's thirsty for my cock! It takes it all without any problem. I love watching it as it hungrily takes everything." He is slamming so hard into me the bed is shifting and hitting the wall.

I feel my body tightening, nearing unwanted climax. I scream as I soak the bed covers. I can't control my body's reaction and I've given up trying.

"So pretty," the man mutters.

His hips hitch in their rhythm as he starts coming as well. His hot seed spreads through me before it starts to leak out. My captor keeps pounding into me until I'm coming again.

"I love feeling you come. Your muscles tighten around my cock so I can barely move." He's gripped my hips, digging fingers in.

I'm shaking with my over sensitized muscles milking the shaft thrusting in. Every thrust pushes out my cries and I can't tell what my noises are for.

"Please." I breath. I can't take anymore.

He laughs in a breathless way and shudders as he comes again. He's seed is leaking down my legs and making a very wet noise as he finishes pulsing inside me. His hips stop moving and I collapse against the bed. When he pulls out, cold air hits my gaping hole and I shiver.

Fingers start moving around my sensitive entrance before one finger is pushed inside. I barely register the intrusion even when three more fingers are added.

"Dove," the man whispers pushing all fingers inside. I gasp arching my back, "You have learned well and now you need to understand you are mine."

His hand is pushing until I feel my muscles clamp around his wrist. His fingers flex curiously inside me.

"Let me hear you say it," my captor whispers, "I want to know you understand."

His fingers stroke my insides and I cry out.

"Tell me!" He yells.

"Yes! Yes, I'm yours!" I scream. I don't understand the words coming out of my mouth, I will agree to anything to have the torture stop.

My captor is satisfied and pulls his hand free. He pats my back. "Good."

He rolls me over and kisses me sweetly, getting no response from me. The man cleans himself up and moves for the door, naked as always. As he opens the door to leave, opening his mouth to ask his usual question, a loud crashing sound echoes from the hall. He stops and looks down the hall, his eyes going wide. Without closing the door he sprints away.

I am curious but barely even that. I can hear men screaming with pain and the clash of swords. I draw up from the bed and sneak over to the door, peeking out from my prison I spot a large group of men in the middle of battle. Some of the fighting men are dressed in blood red capes on gleaming chainmail.

They should be familiar but I don't concern myself with the fighting men as I grab discarded trousers and pull them on.

With that I leave the room and head the opposite way. I don't know what I'm doing I just need to do something.

"Merlin!" A voice it's calling behind me.

I ignore it, my mind is far away. I feel my body moving on its own accord, following the halls. Minutes pass before I find myself in a towering chamber.

My captor is in the room occupied with a table massed with papers. He is muttering to himself as he shuffles through papers still completely naked. When I draw closer he stops and stiffens.

Before I can react he spins around and grabs me, slamming me into the table. A blade presses to my throat but I'm not frightened. I almost wish for him to press the blade in. I want to feel the blood seeping from my body and know that I don't have to endure his torture anymore, that I am free. He doesn't.

My captor relaxes when he sees it's me. Lowering the knife he sets it on the table behind me. "Dove you shouldn't sneak up on me like that." He strokes my cheek. He leans forward and kisses me lightly. "I have to leave and you will come with me." The man whispers.

"You're not going anywhere!" A voice shouts.

My captor spins towards the man now standing in the door. The blonde hair and blue eyes are so familiar that it hurts. The man was a lifetime ago. I want to see him in the same light as before but I can't. I have come to realize how innocent I had been and I miss it.

"I was wondering when you would show up," my captor says with a smile, "I had to keep myself entertained with your pretty servant. I'll just say I was not disappointed." He reaches back grabbing me and pulling me forward.

I go willingly, completely broken by my captor. I can't look at Arthur; I can't watch the emotion in his eyes when I feel nothing anymore, nothing but boiling rage.

"I must say he is rather disappointing now that he's been broken in," my captor says slowly pressing me to my knees and kneading my head, "but I can tell you the first night, oh how he screamed with my cock buried inside him."

Arthur steps forward; my captor tightens his hold on my scalp. I can hear his steps falter and stop. I don't need to see Arthur's face to know the emotions coming from him but I can't bring myself to care. I know how far I have fallen.

"I'd rather not kill him little Prince." He tells Arthur, my captor's magic flares.

I come back to myself, just a little. Arthur is here and he needs my help. This is my chance, I can finally fight back. I don't feel anything for myself but Arthur is my destiny and I can't let him down.

Sliding my head back I lay it on my captor's crotch and begin to rock. I have my eyes closed as I concentrate. This catches his attention instantly.

My captor groans grabbing my head. "My little dove is so good, I have taught him well. Look at him, he knows his place." He weaves his fingers into my scalp digging and tugging roughly.

With him distracted I'm reaching back behind him sliding my hand up his back, seeking the table. Finding wood my hand gropes for the knife handle. When I find it, I slowly slide my body up until I'm on my feet and rub my arse into the growing bulge.

My captor is none the wiser as he enjoys himself against me. He moans in my ear, rutting freely. "My good little dove." He groans.

I can hear Arthur growling with rage and I can feel his eyes on me but I can't get distracted when I'm so close. Turning into his body, I look into his eyes as I bring the blade in my hand up and bury it to the hilt in the man's neck.

His eyes go wide and he's stares in surprise. Blood is bubbling out of his mouth just before he collapses. The knife is still stuck in his neck.

I look down on the body a moment and in that moment I can breathe. I feel everything as it comes crashing down and then darkness envelops me.


	5. Dreams

"What happened to him?"

That is the first words I hear as I hover just out of consciousness. I knew what has happened to me and I know I am a wreck but as I exist in this near wakefulness I feel light. Once I'm truly awake I will get everything back and feel the bulk to it.

"From what I can tell," An older voice answers, "He was beaten severely. He has two cracked ribs, with several cuts, and the blood vessels in his eyes are all broken. There's deep muscle bruising on his ribs and face and scarring on his left shoulder."

"Anything else?" The first voice presses.

"He was..." The older voice starts to say but fades with unspoken words.

"Gaius." The other voice is low in a warning tone.

"Arthur what has happened to Merlin cannot be fixed. When he wakes up he will be a different person, the old Merlin is gone." The voice is filled with sorrow and helplessness.

I am now fully awake. I have killed someone; I have blood on my hands. I feel even more empty and yet my body is the epitome of weight. Pain is radiating through my system from every direction. Breathing alone sparks a constant stream of agony. Gaius' words ring true, I will never be the same.

Opening my eyes I find I am home or what was once my home a lifetime ago. Gaius, my friend and near father, stands nearby with Prince Arthur, it takes them a moment to realize that I am awake. They both give strained worried smiles and come closer.

"Merlin, how are you feeling?" Gaius asks reaching out a hand to touch my forehead. I can't help but flinch. Gaius stops, dropping his hand. I know he won't hurt me but it's a response I have adopted.

"Merlin we won't hurt you." Arthur speaks quietly. His face is burning my eyes. I can't stand seeing the helplessness in his eyes. They both have it and it's too much.

"I'm tired." I say softly and turn away from them, closing my eyes.

How can I be here when it no longer feels like home? I'm not a person anymore; I'm a thing that crawls across the ground, treading through muck and garbage. I am disgusting. Something deserved to be crushed underfoot and forgotten about.

I feel myself drift into an unease dream.

My captor isn't dead; it's Arthur who is dead. Blood is everywhere. I can't look away. Arthur's eyes are staring lifelessly and vivid red speckles his face. My captor walks towards me with that smile stepping over Arthur's still form. His body reaches for me and I can't resist, I don't want to resist but at the same time it's the only thing I can't do.

"Dove don't you love this color." He whispered.

He comes closer and we're naked. He grabs me, pushing me to the floor, warm blood wells up between my fingers as I brace myself. "My good little dove." He says. I feel myself giving in to him.

Suddenly he slams his shaft into me, all the way to the hilt. I scream and he continues slamming into me over and over. I feel his length in my mouth, wriggling and spewing it's warmth into me.

"Pretty little dove, good dove." He keeps saying. Then I'm choking, I can't breathe. My lungs are burning. I can't fight. All I know is the feeling of being filled and being roughly slammed into.

"Stop!" I somehow yell. "Don't, please don't!" My voice sounds thick and goes answered. The slamming feeling is everything; it's pushing all the air from me. I'm encased with nothing.

"Merlin!" Someone is shouting.

Suddenly I'm awake. I'm panting and fighting against hands holding me.

"Merlin it's alright! He's dead Merlin, he can't hurt you!" It's Arthur who is yelling.

I stop struggling, sagging against the body pressed to me. I can't fight the tears leaking from me. I'm gasping against Arthur as I come down from the dream. Bile is building in the back of my throat.

"It's alright Merlin. I've got you; no one is going to hurt you here." Arthur is saying stroking my back slowly.

I can't hold back the burning in my throat. Quickly I turn away from Arthur and position my head over the side of the bed before heaving everything from my stomach on to the floor. For several minutes I do nothing but gag on the emptiness of my body.

When I've finished I collapse down, I have no strength to move.

Arthur helps bring me back to his body. "I got you; no one is going to hurt you." He repeats. I almost bring myself to believe him.

"Everything hurts." I mumble into his chest, "It's never going to alright again." This is the truth and I won't let myself believe otherwise.

Arthur doesn't answer me but continues to stroke my back until I eventually slip into an uneasy sleep.


	6. Waking Up

*I feel bad about torturing Merlin so I thought he deserved a little Arthur, man cake, love so I wrote this, enjoy!

It's been four days since my rescue. I haven't eaten and I haven't left Gaius' rooms. I lay on my bed curled into the tightest ball I can. People have come and gone, some speak to me but I do nothing. I'm nearly limp when I am forced to bathe and changed into clean clothes but I get through it with my eyes closed and tears leaking down my face. Gaius says nothing during the process.

Arthur hasn't left my side even when his father comes and orders him to. Arthur ignores Uther and crosses his arms, continuing to watch me. The rage coming off of Uther almost sparks my interest but I quickly return to my previous state.

Uther finally leaves in a huff, billowing pass Gaius without another word. The old physician sighs heavily and hurries after the king.

"Merlin please speak to me. Let me know you're not truly lost." Arthur would say every now and then. I never answer.

* * *

On the fifth night I wake suddenly when a voice calls my name.

_Merlin_

The dragon's growling tone vibrates the air. I can't easily ignore it no matter what. Getting up quietly I somehow manage to get by Arthur, positioned on a chair by my bed, and out the door without waking anyone.

The familiar journey to the lower dungeons blurs by until I am in the dragon's chasm.

"Young Warlock," the dragon greets dropping down on to his usual perch. His golden body shimmers brightly even with the dim light of the torch. The dark, bulky chain latched around the dragon's neck clinks quietly with every shift of his body. The dragon opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out as he looks at me closely. His eyes widen after some time and he inhales sharply. "What has happened?"

"Nothing that will affect my great destiny I assure you," Is my answer.

The dragon leans as close as he can. "Merlin, what has happened?" There is a commanding tone in that voice and I feel my rage boiling up.

"You want to know what happened, everyone wants to know what happened!" I scream, "I'm weak and got taken. For a week I was punished for helping Arthur!"

The dragon gave a look I can't decipher. "Who did this?"

"I never got the privilege of a name when he forced his prick up my arse!" I shout.

The dragon is still, frozen by my words. I can see the pity filling the beast's eyes. "No words can express the amount of pain I feel for you." The dragon says slowly.

"I don't need your pity!" I snap turning from him, "From now on don't call me, I won't come."

The dragon doesn't try to stop me.

Further down the hall I slump against the wall breathing heavily and holding back sobs. All the emotions that are rampaging through me are overwhelming I want to go back to the unfeeling state but the dragon's presence has pulled everything to the surface.

Tears stream down my face and I slide to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest. Burying my face in my knees I sob openly. Pain and rage are what I mostly feel as well as regret and disgust.

I want to die. It would be so easy. Gaius has dozens of poisons that could do the job in seconds. It would end this empty chaos I am stuck in. How can I feel so out of control and so empty at the same time? I want to scream until my throat is bleeding and raw but I want to fade into silence and never utter a sound again.

Even awake I'm having flashbacks of my captor and his nightly visits. His hands and the noises he made send a shiver down my spine. My empty stomach rebels and I find myself on all fours spitting up nothing but bile. I stay there dry heaving since I have nothing left.

That doesn't stop my nightmare; I feel his hot fluid dribbling down my legs. His laughter in my ear and bruising thrusts are plaguing me.

"Stop," I plead but it draws me further into the madness.

"My little dove." The man whispers.

His hands are gripping my hips, digging in so hard that blood is welling in small cuts made by finger nails. "Such a good fuck," In and out, in and out, the pace so hard and deep I taste cock in the back my throat.

My betraying body is of course doing nothing but craving the abuse. I'm so hard that it hurts. I'm begging for release. I am sickened.

"Merlin!" Arthur's echoing voice draws me from the vividness.

My sobs are loudly reverberating through the stone tunnel. There is no where I can go to hide from Arthur even so I'm too tired to try. I curl into myself and move as close to the wall as possible.

"Merlin," Arthur sounds relieved when he comes to me.

I take a deep breath that stutters as I try to ease my sobs. I keep my face buried following Arthur's movements when I hear his boots coming closer. I anticipate his touch but it doesn't stop my body flinching and going ridged.

"Hush, it's alright." Arthur murmurs.

I jerk away from him, lifting my head to glare. "It's not fucking alright!" Arthur looks startled, good. "You don't understand how much it hurts!" I don't know how to put this into words so I just let them come out.

"I couldn't stop it! I couldn't do anything! I was so helpless and weak just like you said!" I spit. It's not fair of me but I can't help the words pouring from my mouth. "And the worst part is I couldn't control my own body, "Arthur looks surprised by this, "It reacted to everything! I wanted so bad for it to stop but it never did and it got worse and worse!" My body is shaking with sobs and I barely notice the flaring torches around us as my magic reacts to my emotions.

My eyes are locked on Arthur's, the deep blue is sad and there are words lurking he wants to say but he holds back. I can't look anymore, I force my gaze away.

"It hurts so much and I can't do anything! Every time I close my eyes I'm there again being fucked over and over again with him in my ear calling to me! I can't make it stop! Please just make it stop!" My voice is lost in the waves I'm on.

"Please, let it stop." I whisper tightening in on myself.

Arthur is silent and unmoving. Nothing but his breathing and my sobs can be heard. After some time he's soft touch caresses my arm and I don't flinch. "Merlin," He breathes edging closer and wrapping around me.

His weight against me is nothing like my captor's, it's not threatening but warm and bright like the sun. That's what Arthur is, he is the sun. He has always been the sun to me. For a moment everything feels right in the world. That moment is gone too soon and the weight of the world is balanced on my shoulders.

Arthur encloses me as much as possible without making me feel trapped and starts rubbing my back. The slow movement is very comforting and actually starts to lull me into a doze. My legs are starting to cramp and I don't want to move but the pain is mingling with my other aches. I shift but Arthur tightens around me.

"Arthur." I say trying to rise again. "Please my legs are cramping."

"Oh." I hear as he draws back.

I use the wall to pull myself from the floor. My knees see the loudest protestors but not too much. Arthur rises with me; he keeps his eyes on me. I give myself a few minutes to let my muscles settle before moving to leave. Pushing from the wall my legs are unsteady and I almost fall back but Arthur's arm snakes around my waist supporting me.

"Thank you." I say and we begin down the hall.

"I'm sorry." Arthur murmurs.

I look at him but he's looking straight ahead. "Why?" The man has nothing to be apologizing for.

"For everything," the Prince says slowly, "For everything I put you through and not being there when you needed me, I failed you." His tone is so bitter it hurts to listen to.

"Arthur I don't blame you," I assure, "You came for me and that's all I can ask from you. It's not your job to protect me."

"But it is!" Arthur snaps, "You are my manservant so it makes it my responsibility to protect you and I couldn't when you truly needed me."

I stop walking and force him to look at me. His face is grave and he's fighting to not look at me. Sighing I grab his face and still his head. His arm is still around me when he finally looks at me. His brilliant blue eyes focus on me and I feel lighter with that gaze on me. Leaning forward I rest my forehead against his. The pressure is liberating and grounds me to the moment, it feel so calm and safe. I finally feel safe.

"When I woke and you were gone, my world collapsed," Arthur spoke softly, "Nothing mattered except getting you back. I didn't know where to start, all I had was the message the bandits gave me."

I had forgotten about the scroll Sten had given Arthur. "What did it say?" My hand falls from his face but he continues to look at me.

"Come and get him."

I don't know what to say. I never expected that. My throat goes dry and it's hard to swallow as I come to an understanding.

"It was you, it's always been you." Arthur breathed.

My captor had wanted Arthur to come, wanted Arthur to see what I had become, to see how far I have fallen. It was all because of my magic and my failure to save my own kind when I had the chance. He wanted Arthur to know and see my shame.

"I hurried back here and gathered as many soldiers as I could. I never asked my father because I knew he would forbid it. When he heard what I was doing he tried to stop me. I gave him an ultimatum: let me rescue you or I step down from being Crowned Prince."

I inhale sharply. I never expected Arthur to make any sacrifice like that. I never wanted him to come to that. "Arthur." I can't help but sound exasperated.

Arthur looks at me with that look I know so well, his determined look. "I wasn't going to just give up on you Merlin. I couldn't give you up for lost when there was something I could do."

In this moment I can feel the familiar warmth that speeds through me when Arthur is around. His words eclipse any degrading thing he has ever said and proves that he thinks more of me then as a servant.

"My father wasn't happy but he left me be. I gathered the men I had and set out. The message given to me turned into a map and led me to that castle."

So my captor had been expecting Arthur, at least a little bit.

"I was surprised when we entered the castle there was barely a squad of men and then I saw you. You wore only trousers, I called your name but you weren't listening or you didn't hear. Whatever it was I didn't dwell on it when I ran after you. I didn't pay much attention to anything I just knew I needed to get to you." Arthur paused taking a deep breath.

"And then I entered that chamber and watched that man kiss you." The low growl in his voice sent a shiver through me, "Everything stopped for a moment. All I could feel was anger and I just wanted to kill that man and get you out of there as soon as possible. Hearing him say he was going to take you away, I couldn't let that happen. Then he told me what he did to you and watching you...I thought I had lost you..." Arthur whispers, dropping his eyes.

I instinctively reach over a grip his free hand and squeeze it.

He doesn't seem to notice as he continues, "The look in your eyes was so empty that I couldn't believe that it was you. There was nothing there and that scared me."

The anguish in his voice is almost too much but he doesn't give me a chance as he speaks slowly, "I almost missed the knife in your hands until it was buried in the man's neck and he hit the floor. I couldn't move for a moment, I was stunned but I saw you were about to collapse. I caught you before you hit the floor."

He stops again bringing his eyes up. I see all the emotions swimming in the blue irises, even things he hasn't said, and it hurts even more now. I feel so broken, hearing the things I had done to Arthur.

"I want to make everything better. You didn't deserve anything that has happened to you. I put you in danger. It's my fault this happened."

"No, it's mine," I break in. I can't remain quiet.

"No it isn't, if you weren't my servant you would have never been in danger." Arthur argues.

I pull myself from him, preparing for what I'm about to reveal. Arthur struggles to keep me to him but gives up when my determination wins through. I face him putting a few feet of space between us.

"I wasn't you Arthur." I say and he opens his mouth to argue but a look from me silences him. "Like you said it was me, always me. That man...my captor, he was a sorcerer. He was punishing me..." My voice fails me.

Arthur's eyes flash with anger and he steps closer. "You have done nothing." I shake my head sadly and Arthur looks worried, "Merlin." My name sounds like a plea.

I feel tears stinging the corners of my eyes. "There is something I should have told you long ago, something I shouldn't have kept from you."

Fear creeps into Arthur's expression but I don't let that stop me.

"Arthur, I'm a sorcerer." I say it quietly and I can't look at him when the words are out. I close my eyes and wait.

Minutes go by and not a sound is made. I begin to worry and sneak a peek.

Arthur is looking at me with an exasperated look.

Stunned I let my eyes open fully. "You already knew?" I ask disbelieving.

Arthur gives a small smile. "I guessed a few months back but I wanted you to tell me so I never said anything."

I let out a heavy breath and step back until my back hits the wall, leaning into it. My secret is out finally. After years of hiding I'm truly able to show myself but at what price? I'm so broken what can Arthur knowing my secret do? Nothing will change.

"That sorcerer wanted to punish me for all the magic users that Uther executed the last few years. He thought I should have saved them or tried to. He put a spell on me and I couldn't fight back..." I tell him quietly. It's the truth, the whole truth something I've never been able to tell him and it's relieving.

I slid down the wall until I hit the floor. "I was so helpless." I whisper feeling fresh tears threatening to slip down my face. "Even with this supposed great power that I possess I could do nothing."

Arthur crouched down. "There is nothing in this world that will make this any better and I wish to god or gods that I could do something. All I can say for certain is that the only thing you can do is move on and move passed."

I snap up to look at him. "You want me to try and forget?" I know there is no way on this Earth that I could forget something like that.

"No definitely not," Arthur assured, "I know enough to know that something like this isn't easily forgotten and I know it is probably near impossible. I am saying put it behind you, learn from it and thrive for the future."

His words are so wise and this is the moment I can truly see the king he will become. The man of legend is speaking to me and I can feel the power radiating from him so strongly that I can do nothing but believe his words.

"And if I can't?" I ask. I am terrified of the future and I'm terrified of what I'll have to face. I am not ready to face the world, not again.

Arthur stretches his arm out stroking his thumb along my jaw. It is the most intimate thing he has ever done to me. Heat races through me like an explosion, very different from what my captor had gotten from my body.

"I know you will, there's no doubt that it will be hard and at times you will dwell on things from the past but Merlin, you are strong and brave and stubborn and just too loyal to let anything stop you. I will be there every step of the way" Arthur murmurs cupping my face.

His words sink through me and swirl into my very soul. Every day of my life has been leading to this day, this day that will burn itself into my memory for the rest of time. This is the day that I take Arthur's words to heart and believe them. I believe in them just as much as Arthur himself believes them. Every word courses through me.

I know I will always have a part of me that is destroyed by what has happened and that I won't be truly alright about it but I know that I can move on. Arthur's faith in me and my faith in what he is destined to do is my drive. It has always been my drive but it has come to a new meaning, one that has Arthur's full support behind it. Taking one day at a time I will reach a state where I will finally be able to fully accept my past.

Before I can ponder further on this understanding I have come to warm lips are crushing mine. I panic and flinch away ramming my head into the stone behind it.

"Owww!" I cry rubbing the now rising knot on my head.

"I am so sorry...I...don't know why I did that, I shouldn't have done that." Arthur stammers.

I hold up a hand and he goes quiet. I pull my hand away from my head and look to the Prince. He looks on the verge of a panic attack as he watches me, waiting for my reaction. It slowly comes to me, the fact that I have just been kissed by Arthur!

Arthur Pendragon, Prince of Camelot kissed me! What?

Arthur is the ladies' man, the most eligible bachelor, and future king of a thriving kingdom. He had just kissed me, his manservant. Sure I have dreamed many times of Arthur doing such a thing but never did I contemplate it actually occurring. Arthur has been a friend to me, a brother, and much more but never did I believe he would reciprocate.

"Merlin, I'm sorry. I never should have done that, not after...besides you are my manservant, nothing can come from this." Arthur sounds so defeated it pulls me from my head.

"Arthur." I breathe waiting for his beautiful blue eyes to find mine.

He is reluctant to lift his eyes but after some minutes he slowly looks to me. Smiling I reach out until my fingers wrap around his wrists and I tug. He falls into my lap, his chest pressed to mine. Our breathing mingles in the space between us and his rich scent surrounds us. This is nothing like my captor, his roughness and hard edge isn't present.

I keep my eyes on him as I lean forward and slowly kiss him. My eyes don't stay open when Arthur presses back gently. Fingers curl into my sides, kneading my bruised and battered ribs. The slight pain is easily ignored. The pleasure flowing through my veins is soft and warm it leaves me feeling fresh and new. This is nothing like the kisses from my captor, these I return eagerly.

After minutes of breathless snogging I pull away panting and the pressure of Arthur on my ribs is making it hard to draw breath. "Arthur," I gasp pushing on him slightly. Confused he sits back. I take a few deep breaths, holding my ribs as the intense pain radiates through me.

"Merlin," He says touching me lightly, "I'm an idiot, I completely forgot."

I don't answer since I'm focused on breathing. Suddenly Arthur is picking me up. "Arthur!" I shout in surprise as I'm cradled to his chest. My hands find purchase on the back of his neck and I feel a little more stable against the muscular, cloth covered skin.

"Hush, I got you." He says quietly tightening his hold around me. We start moving slowly down the hall.

"Arthur," I say my voice barely a whisper. He turns his head to look at me. "I don't want to go back to Gaius's." I tell him.

Arthur stops walking to give me a questioning look, "Why not?"

I bite my lip debating what I should say; in the end I decide the truth. "I...I don't want to be tempted…again" I start.

The Prince doesn't seem to understand, "Tempted, tempted to do what?" He asks.

Sighing, I feel so weak just admitting this, "Using poison."

Arthur's eyes widen and his mouth falls open. "Merlin…"

"Arthur...please just don't take me back there, not yet anyway." I plead.

Closing his mouth, he nods. "I'll take you to my rooms." Arthur says.

I stare at him. "No that's not what I meant at all, we don't have to go there." I say quickly.

"What, you want to just carry you around all night?" The Prince teases and begins walking again.

I glare. "I never asked you to pick me up in the first place." I retort.

Arthur chuckles', tightening his hold on me, and brings my body closer to his chest, "Do you want me to put you down?"

I grumble without answering, not wanting to give the man the satisfaction. I feel safe in his arms and the warmth surrounding me almost makes me forget my whole ordeal, it becomes more like one of my nightmares.

We steadily climb the stairs, meeting no one on the way, I almost wish for an audience, for someone else to see Arthur in this way. I know my friend is a caring person but he hides it so well letting his need to please his father surpass his true self. I feel honored to be one of the few who get to see this side of Arthur but it saddens me as well.

"What are you staring at?" Arthur asks quietly.

It takes me a second to realize I have been staring at him as I let my thoughts whirl through my mind. I clear my throat and turn my head to hide my reddening my cheeks. "Nothing," I answer lamely. Thankfully Arthur doesn't press and continues onward.

It takes several more dragging minutes before we reach Arthur's chambers. I release the back of his neck with one hand to open the door for him and smile when he chuckles.

"Can you imagine the pair we make right now?" He says using his foot to close the door and an elbow to slide the blot to lock it.

I can imagine it and give him a laugh of my own. "People would surly gossip." I tell him.

"And you don't think they gossip already?" Arthur asks seriously.

I look up at him and find our faces inches from each other. "You can't believe all the palace gossip." I say. I had been in the castle long enough to hear a majority of the secrets flying around the halls and I know half of them can only be lies.

Arthur slowly sets me down, keeping a hand on my back to support my weight if need be. I find myself leaning into the warm body, a little reluctant to move away just yet. "Thank you." I whisper.

"Let's get you into bed." The Prince says guiding me towards the bed.

"What? Wait… no Arthur I don't need…"My protests are ignored and I find myself turning before being pushed on to the soft mattress.

"And for those clothes," Arthur murmurs and his hands slid my shirt up.

I gasp loudly and my body tenses. Arthur stops and pulls his hands away, taking the warmth with them. I realize my eyes are squeezed shut waiting for something, my body is shaking and it takes everything I have to assure myself that Arthur won't be hurting me. When I'm calm again I open my eyes.

Arthur isn't looking at me, his eyes are trained to the fire place but I can see the guilt and fear in them. "Forgive me." He breathes.

Pushing my body up, I put my arms around the other man's hips and rest my head on his stomach. "It's alright." I tell him. I don't want those emotions on his face.

Arthur relaxes into my embrace and his hands stroke over me softly.

"Now help me with these clothes." I say pulling away and lift my arms over my head. He looks at me and I can see the tension leaving him, a smile brightens the room.

Arthur's fingers cruel under the fabric of my shirt and pull upward, the shirt is thrown somewhere. Laying down I take a deep breath and slowly unlace my trousers.

"You really need to eat more." Arthur says and I watch his eyes drifting over my ribs with disapproval.

I chuckle and push the fabric down over my thighs. "Let me get right on that." I say hiding the fear fluttering in my chest.

Arthur smiles and pulls the trousers off, joining the shirt somewhere on the floor.

I lay before him almost bare with only the smallest bit of clothing. I stare up at Arthur as his eyes travel over my body and I can't help feel the briefest twinge of fear. He must have seen something in my body, Arthur's eyes snap to mine and the guilt is back.

"Under the covers," He says with a slightly breathless tone.

Rolling over I crawl over the covers to the pillows and slid between them. I release a content sigh as I settle into the plush bed. "I love your bed." I say with a smile.

Arthur's smile is warming, "I love you in my bed."

I blink up at him startled and I can see those words weren't meant to be said out loud. Arthur shifts uncomfortably and pulls off his own shirt. "You can stay in here as long as you want, don't worry about your chores." He is now taking off his boots.

"Arthur," I call quietly.

He pauses to look at me.

"What about your father?" Even with all the magic in the world protecting me I still fear Uther. I have seen his rage enough to dread the day that it is directed at me.

Arthur lets out a heavy sigh and finishes taking off his boots and socks. "Don't worry about him." His tone gives away his own concern and it doesn't help me relax but I don't argue.

"I'll just sleep in my chair." He says with a smile.

I sit up and glare at him. "Nonsense this is your room, you will use your bed." I tell him patting the empty side of the massive bed.

Arthur looks reluctant. "Are you sure?"

"I trust you Arthur." I say and it's true. I trust Arthur with everything.

He still looks on the verge of arguing but a stubborn look from me gets him moving to the other side of the bed. I turn to watch him climb under the covers. "Better?" I tease and watch him sink into the mattress.

He sticks his tongue out and snuggles into the softness. "I do love this bed." Arthur says tiredly.

"And I love you in it." I say purposefully.

Arthur smiles and I see his cheek burn with a blush. I chuckle and roll over, jarring my ribs slightly. I hiss and know I'll most likely have to spend the night on my back. "Damn these ribs." I grunt lying flat on my back. It's not the worse position.

"Do they hurt a lot?" Arthur asks wiggling closer.

I glance at him, "If I move the wrong way, yes but most of the time no." I reply and feel exhaustion rolling through me.

It's like a wave and it floods my brain making my thoughts slow. I start to drift and barely feel Arthur's body pressing against mine or his arms wrapping around me and pulling me tight to him. "Good night Merlin." His words caress my ear as I'm submerged in gentle darkness.


	7. Discovery

I wake warm and drowsy. I am still tired and I can't figure out what woke me in the first place until I groan and roll over. Opening my eyes I see Arthur nearby with his back to me. I see his shoulders moving as he puts on his shirt. "Good morning." I murmur.

Arthur glances over his shoulder at me and smiles. "Morning, did I wake you?"

"Not really," _Yes_ I think but I don't say that out loud.

Arthur moves over to me and puts his arm around me. "I have to go down to training but I'll be back in a few hours, will you be alright here?" He asks. The look of concern in his eyes is heartwarming and the fondness that accompanies it is breath taking.

My heart hammers in my chest and I let a wide smile spread on my face. "I think I can manage. Is there anything I can do while you're gone?"

Arthur shakes his head. "You just rest," He replies and kisses me lightly on the cheek.

I listen as he leaves, quietly shutting the door and the silence settles in around me. I smile to myself and snuggle down into the mattress, allowing my mind to drift back to the comforting darkness.

The next time I wake I'm being jerked from the bed violently. I cry out as I fall from the bed to the waiting stone floor. My elbow connects with the unyielding floor and pain floods my body joined shortly by my ribs; that have been jarred during the fall. As my brain is paralyzed by the pain I barely catch words being yelled at me or the warmth spreading down my arm.

"I knew you were warming my son's bed but I didn't suspect you would enchant him as well! You have used magic to control him!"

It takes me a moment to realize that the man screaming at me is Uther and I am mostly naked but the last part barely registers as a well-placed kick targets my ribs. I bite my tongue to keep from screaming. I frantically hone my magic in before it reacts on its own towards the attacker.

"What spell did you use on him? Will it break when I burn you on a pyre? You are not worthy of my son! You can be nothing more than a servant, lower than dirt! Your magic isn't strong enough to make you any better."

Another kick, this one connects with my lungs and I can't draw a breath properly. My eyes are squeezed shut to try and find some form of safety. I can't concentrate on the words being thrown at me. The cool stone under my body presses almost comforting against me. I force myself to listen to the voice above me.

"How long have you been fucking him? How long have you been using him? I can see his traitorous acts have been you're doing. Once I'm rid of you everything will return to how it should be. Arthur will thinking nothing more of you and Camelot will have the heir it deserves, I will have a son who will not question me!" Uther's rant is scorching.

I curl my body in on itself, hissing when my ribs protest. I silently wish for some kind of intervention but know no one would dare. Even as I wish I can't help but feel I deserve this pain, this is the pain that I should be feeling because of my actions and who I am. My thoughts freeze when I become aware of what I'm thinking but the atmosphere in the room had changed drastically, pulling my attention back to the moment, and I know we weren't alone anymore.

"Father!" Arthur's voice explodes through the room and I have never been so relieved to hear him.

I hear Uther turn towards Arthur as I'm still struggling to breathe. "Arthur, what I'm doing is for your own good. This filth has poisoned your mind with his magic. I will burn him and everything will go back to the way it was before him."

Arthur growls a vicious and primal noise. I hear Uther's sharp intake of surprise. "Step away from Merlin." The Prince commands in a threatening tone.

"You will not…" Uther tries but Arthur interrupts.

"Get away from him!" His words leave no room for argument. He sounds every bit the king I know him to be.

I hear the king move. If I weren't withering on the floor in pain I might fear what might happen next. Uther's rage is well known and I have even witnessed it firsthand. Those who have confronted the king usually didn't last long.

"Arthur…" Uther says but Arthur stops him again.

"You will not speak," He snarls quietly, "You have lost that right. Merlin has not enchanted me and he never will." Uther seems to be about to speak but Arthur continues, "He may be a servant, without a drop of royal blood in his body, but he is more worthy of my love than you." The Prince spits the words at the king. "You call him dirt but you are the only one I see as dirt at the moment father."

I am stunned and fight to open my eyes. Uther is standing before me facing Arthur. I can see Arthur's face, he's eyes are on me. I see nothing in them and I am frightened by them for a moment. Arthur has never spoken to his father this way with me present.

"If you leave now…" Uther makes a protesting sound but Arthur snaps his eyes to him as he ignores his father noise. "If you leave now I will forget this ever took place and continue as crowned prince but if you do not I will step down leaving you without an heir and take Merlin from Camelot." The silence that follows the ultimatum is so thick I almost find it hard to breathe again.

Uther is frozen to the spot, his whole body tense and unmoving. Arthur's eyes are on mine ignoring the war the king seems to be fighting. The two men before me are similarly posed both are ridged but pouring with emotion. Arthur is flooded with rage that is barely contained and his eyes on mine seem to be the only anchor keeping him from ending Uther's life. The King's emotions are jumping between anger and fear; anger towards Arthur's defiance and his discovery, and fear for the ultimatum put before him.

"Arthur." Uther's voice is a pleading whine. I look at the man's back wishing I could see his face.

Arthur doesn't respond to the call, keeping his eyes on me.

A few more minutes go by with the intense battle of wills before Uther finally gives up and heads for the door. Pausing briefly the king glances back; he doesn't look at Arthur but at me. I expect anger or something murderous in his gaze, all I see is guilt. I stare back at him managing to hide any surprise I feel. Uther is a violent king but he wants Camelot to prosper and he loves Arthur so I hold no ill will towards him. Arthur will be a far superior king when he takes the throne.

The long moments with our eyes locked I feel as if Uther is debating on saying something but when he pulls his gaze from mine the feeling goes and he's gone instantly.

Arthur listens to his father's fading footsteps before hurrying to my side. He hits the ground next to me and pulls me close, "Oh gods! For a second I thought I was going to lose you!" Arthur says tightening around me.

His embrace is comforting but my battered body can't take it just yet. I hiss and cry out with pain when I can't stand it anymore. Arthur jerks away without releasing his hold on me. "I'm sorry." He breathes but looks relieved.

"Its alright." I whisper coughing slightly as my injured lungs protest, "You shouldn't have done that."

"Your arm is bleeding," Arthur says ignoring me, "We need to get you to Gaius."

Arthur slowly slips his arms around me, pulling me to his chest. At an agonizing speed he lifts me from the floor even then pain rolls through me and I grit my teeth. He whispers apologies pulling me tightly to his chest and heads out of the room.

I tuck my head against Arthur's shoulder and cling to his shirt that is still damp with sweat. I take deep breathes and fighting the agony, I close my eyes hoping it will help. As we hurry down the halls I hear the sharp murmurs of those we pass and I can only imagine what they see when we go by them, Arthur ignores them.

Every movement Arthur does jars my injuries somehow I manage to hold back a majority of the cries that my body causes but the pain is searing. In the back of my mind I am vaguely aware that I am mostly naked in the arms of the Prince.

"Gaius!" Arthur calls and I open my eyes.

The old physician is at his work table when we enter. His kind face makes me smile through the pain. "What has happened?" He asks gesturing to the cot for patients.

Arthur sets me down on it and I grunt with pain. "Does it matter just help him." The rough tone that comes with the words is harsh but Gaius ignored them as he goes to work.

His cool fingers prod my ribs slowly and it isn't easy not to sob with pain as it burns my veins. "Nothing is broken but you'll definitely have new bruises and your ribs will be sore. No more fights for you." Gaius says with a twinge of humor.

"I'll try to resist the urge." I mutter through my teeth.

Gaius smiles at the little remark. "I'm glad to hear your voice." He says quietly.

I look at him and realize that I haven't spoken to Gaius since my first night and those were a few expressionless words. I feel guilt, "I'm sorry Gaius." The man has become more of a father and I have ignored him. He took me in and helped me with my magic and I shut him out.

Gaius shakes his head with a warm smile. "No need for an apology, just stop getting hurt." It does little to lessen my guilt.

I chuckle and immediately regret it when my ribs sting and my lungs seize. "I'm Prince Arthur's manservant, I think that's impossible." I cough.

Gaius looks at me with concern and his fingers prob my chest again, "It's just your ribs restricting your air way. It will hurt but try breathing normally."

Closing my eyes I tentatively take a normal breathe. The pain is so intense it makes me dizzy and I gasp for air and from pain.

"Merlin!" Arthur sounds alarmed.

"Easy Arthur he'll be fine, he just needs rest." Gaius assures patting my shoulder.

As I struggle back to being able to draw breath Gaius bandages my elbow after a thorough cleaning. I open my eyes and the room around me is spinning. I take several shallow breaths supplying my brain with enough oxygen to steady the world. I give Arthur a reassuring smile as the world stills.

"I have some deliveries I need to make will you be alright with him?" Gaius asks Arthur. The Prince nods keeping his eyes on me. The old physician gathers his things and departs, patting Arthur's shoulder on the way by and throwing me a smile.

Slowly Arthur draws closer kneeling beside me. "How's the pain?" He asks looking helpless.

I grit my teeth when the pain spikes. "Manageable." I answer, "Definitely not the worse I've had." I add.

"Are you alright here?" He asks looking around the room that is my home.

"I miss your bed." I tell him, hearing a chuckle. I look his face over, "I don't want to stay here." I nervously eye the shelves I know hole the multitude of poisons Gaius experiments with.

Arthur bites his lip. "I shouldn't pick you up." He says eyeing my body.

I nod and sit up slowly. I feel better when no new pain comes. "I can walk." I say and push myself up just to prove it.

Arthur is up on his feet, hovering at my elbow, watching to see if I need him.

"Grab that." I tell him gesturing at a jar on the table.

Grabbing it Arthur opens it, "For your ribs?" He guesses.

I nod in response. "Could I bother you to get me some clothes?" I ask realizing I am in nothing but my small clothes.

Arthur seems to notice this as well and bushes before heading for my room. With his help I dress and start the long journey back to Arthur's room. I take it slow and use the wall as often as I can. I'm glad my feet are bare, the natural temperature of the stone is very soothing against my bare flesh, anchoring me.

"I'm sorry." I say after several minutes of quiet.

Arthur blinks at me in confusion, "For what?"

I sigh, "For coming between you and your father." Uther isn't the best person but he raised Arthur so he can't be all bad. The king is misguided and fouled by hate but Arthur is he's redeeming quality.

Arthur frowns and glares. "You didn't, my father did this to himself when he threatened you."

I pause to look at him. "Arthur he is just afraid. You are his only son and he doesn't want to lose you. His hatred has blinded him and he sees danger when there is none."

Arthur's face goes back to looking confused. "You aren't angry at him?"

I shake my head. "No, Uther has his faults and many that are unforgivable but I can't hate him, not when he brought you into the world."

Arthur seems surprised by my answer. "You are one strange person Merlin, you know that?"

I bark out a laugh and grip my ribs when they spark with pain. "Don't make me laugh clotpoll." I gasp out, using the wall for support.

Arthur grins after looking slightly guilty, "Fine."

It takes several minutes for me to get moving again. I make my way steadily towards Arthur's room, watching the passing people throwing my sympathetic looks. Arthur helps me up the flights of stairs. I use both the wall and his arm to try to make each step less painful, it doesn't work.

"Finally," I breathe opening the door.

Someone had come in and cleaned up. The sheets from the bed have been striped and replaced with fresh liens. Even the blood left from my arm has been erased.

I hobble over to the bed and sit down with a sigh of relief. Arthur follows, hovering nearby. He's radiating with nervous energy and I can't help but feel he wants to be somewhere else.

"Will you be alright here?" Arthur asks glancing towards the door.

I wave at him. "I'm fine, go speak with your father, tell him everything if you must."

Arthur seems surprised that I know where he's eager to get to.

"Go Arthur I'll be good here." I urge lowering myself slowly onto the mattress.

He smiles, leaning over to kiss my cheek. Lingering a moment longer, he seems assured by my words and leaves, locking the door behind him.

I carefully spend a few minutes adjusting until I am lying comfortably without pain. I'm not tired but I don't want to leave the soft bed. I lay there dozing and lose track of time. The warmth and plush of the mattress rob me of total consciousness.


	8. Fragile

It's dark when the sound of the door being unlocked jerks me to wakefulness. I choke out with the agony of the sudden movement. Clunking my fists in the sheets I bite on my lip nearly drawing blood as I breath through the pain.

Arthur's hurried footsteps are heard over the pain, "Merlin." His voice is quiet and tired as his hands smooth my back carefully.

"I'm fine you just startled me and I moved." I assure him, wheezing.

I listen as he moves away and a candle is being lit, his face appears out of the darkness. The candle is set on the side table as he sits by my side, running a hand through my hair. "Do you want some of that stuff we grabbed earlier?"

I had forgotten about it but I nod and as he gets up to find it, I pull off my shirt slowly. Rolling on to my not as badly injured side I glance down at the array of bruises now coloring my skin. I know I am pale but the dark purple bruises mixing with the older yellow ones look vivid and painful against the white of my skin.

Arthur comes back with the crème and hisses at the sight. "I am still surprised you don't have broken ribs." He says opening the jar.

I grimace. "I'm glad I don't have broken ribs."

Arthur scoops some greyish paste on to his fingers and gently applies it to the bruises. I gasp with the coldness of the crème and he pauses looking up with concern.

"It's a little cold." I tell him.

Arthur nods and goes back to spreading out the paste.

It doesn't take long until the crème numbs everything to the point that I barely feel any pain. I sigh with relief though the paste does little to help my lungs.

"My fingers are numb." Arthur says glaring at the offending digits.

I chuckle. "I should have warned you."

He shrugs and puts the lid back on the jar, setting it next to the candle. Arthur stares at the flame for a moment, his face falling into a somber look. My stomach knots with that look and I instinctively reach out. Grabbing his hand I squeeze it in a hopefully comforting manner.

"I spoke to my father," He finally says, his eyes drifting to mine slowly.

Lingering pain and anger shadows his features and I reach to caress his cheek while I keep ahold of his hand. Arthur lets out a deep breath, closes his eyes, and leans into my touch. His body noticeably relaxes.

The instant change baffles me. Have I always had this effect on him or was it that he just needed this gentleness at the moment? I can't find the courage to ask. I can't understand what we are. The border between Prince and manservant are so blurred I can't see it anymore. There is just the two of us, Arthur and Merlin, friends. I know and understand Arthur better than anyone ever. He has never allowed someone so close before.

"I went to his chambers," Arthur starts the somber look still evident, "I had a battle going on in my head. There were so many things I wanted to say, I imagined almost a poetic fight but the moment I entered his chamber…I lost it all."

I can understand. Uther isn't just the king but he's Arthur's father, the man Arthur has always looked up to, the man he hasn't always agreed with but still thought the world of. I can see Arthur has lost faith not only in Uther's reign but as his father.

"He was standing by his windows, the ones that overlook the gardens; I am told it was my mother's favorite part of the castle. He didn't acknowledge me in any way and I could tell he hadn't moved in sometime. I've never seen him so stiff. It was like looking at a tree instead of a king. I didn't say anything when I shut the door and crossed the room. I didn't go to his side. I still want to be his superior and not his equal."

"I still couldn't remember what I wanted to say and my father didn't give me a chance to remember before he asked, 'Do you love him?'"

I sat up slowly, uncertain if I wanted to hear the next part. Arthur let out a heavy sigh.

"I answered as best as I could, 'In a way, yes' He didn't speak for a long while but I knew he had more to say. When he did finally speak again he turned to face me. His face was nothing like I have ever witnessed but I could understand; it was the face of loss, heart ache, pain, true suffering." Arthur squeezed my hand.

"It's what I felt when I thought I had lost you," I lean forward and press my forehead into his shoulder to listen as he spoke, "He smiled at me even in the agony I could tell it was genuine, his next words were the most sincere I had ever heard come from him, 'I'm glad you have that Arthur, you deserve all the love you can get,' he said, 'I don't care who you take to your bed as long as you are loved. I was blind to your happiness, I saw it as insubordination caused by your manservant, and I'm sorry,' My father is a proud man as you well know he would rather fight tooth and nail before admitting he was wrong."

I listen to the sadness dripping from each word, closing my eyes to imagine the two.

"He kept speaking, 'I was shocked to find him, to see it presented before me I reacted as I thought acceptable with no concern to you or his wellbeing. When you came in and spoke. Your voice was that of a king's, a true ruler. Hearing those wise words coming from your mouth, listening to the king you will become I was awed by you. I saw the love that you have for him and I saw the love he has for you. No words can mend the damage I have done and I don't expect any forgiveness from you or him but know that I am truly sorry.'" Arthur's free hand is stroking down my spine, the touch sends a shiver through me.

"I don't forgive him for hurting you, I will never forgive him for hurting you or the words he spoke to you but I will forgive his arrogance and I told him this. I told him what happened to you, I didn't tell him about your magic of course. He assured me he wouldn't be a bother to you in the future and hopes you make a full recovery."

Arthur's quiet for a moment before speaking again, "I also told him you weren't angry at him."

I snort, "And what did he say to that?" I ask.

"He was surprised like I was then he looked guilt and said 'even after everything that has happened to him, I can't imagine' we didn't talk too much more after that." Arthur sighs, "I went to the kitchens and asked to have breakfast brought up but that will be a few hours."

I open my eyes and pull back from him, "Are you alright?" I can care less about Uther and his guilt at the moment. It is Arthur, who has recently lost all faith in the man he has looked up to his entire life that my concern is.

Arthur's steady blue eyes search my face with a wall blocking any emotion so when he leans forward and kisses me gently I don't see it coming. Arthur has kisses me several times the last couple of days but after the kiss in the lower tunnels they have only been on the cheek or forehead.

Arthur's kiss is cautious and slow as if he's afraid that I'll bolt. I understand his concern but with Arthur's warm lips on mine most of my thoughts vanish. I press back just enough to encourage him. I have never been kissed so gently. All the kisses my captor gave were rough and commanding. Arthur takes control but it's nothing that I have experienced.

I can taste his eagerness and open my mouth slightly as an invitation. Arthur moans and his hands angle my head as his tongue slides into mingle with mine.

Thoughts of my captor spring unannounced to the fore front of my brain in that second. His face flashing through my mind turns my stomach. The memory of his tongue conquering my body startles me. I jerk away fighting off the nausea and panting slightly.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." Arthur says quickly pulling his hands from me.

In control of myself again I look to him and see the emotions on his face. Everything screams at me, Arthur feels helpless. Reaching I cup his face and pull him forward. I reenact the kiss but he's still tentative and withholds his eagerness.

Disappointed but understanding I draw away, giving a showy yawn. "It's still hours before dawn, lay down with me for a while?" I ask with a smile.

Arthur looks reluctant but doesn't say anything as he leans over to pull off his boots. Some minutes go by before Arthur is on the bed next to me dressed in his night clothes but he's stiff as a board and as far from me as possible.

I understand his actions. His treating me as something fragile and it irritates as well as makes me appreciate him more. Arthur isn't very sensitive when it comes to others feelings but for some reason when it came to me he could sense what I am feeling. The space he gives me is something I need but at the same time I wish he wouldn't back down so easily. At the moment I needed a warm body, I needed the comfort of another person. Someone who would just hold me, Arthur is afraid he will push too much and I will withdraw into myself.

"You don't have to afraid." I say out loud. The room feels too tense for sleep.

Arthur looks over at me with confusion.

"I won't break," I say knowing he'll understand, "I am a mess that much is clear but I'm not as messed up when I'm with you." I chance a glance at him. Arthur's eyes are locked me but he doesn't seem about to speak so I continue.

"I almost didn't believe you wouldn't come for me," I whisper regretting those thoughts, "I never thought you wouldn't try but I know Uther and I knew he would try and stop you. I didn't blame you but when you came for me I felt myself come back and I wanted to fight, to try to be brave." Turning my body towards him I watch the emotions swirl in his eyes.

"Arthur, you make me feel safe. I thought I would never feel that again but I know that you won't let anything happen to me if you can help it. I understand why you are trying to keep your distance but right now…right now…I…I need…" My voice drops away as I look at him for help, "You." I finish breathlessly.

Arthur's blue depths pierce my soul. The smile that spreads across his face is gentle and warm. Slowly he moves towards me until his stable and comforting limps wrap around me. The instant his presences encircles me I feel the tension roll off me. The steady beat of his heart and soft breathing in my ear is like a lullaby. I smile to myself, pressing firmly to the naked chest. My ear is against his heart, hearing the life pulsing through his body. One of his hands tangles in my hair and the other stroke down my back in a comforting manner. I didn't realize what exactly I needed until my body fully relaxes for the first time since returning.

Arthur chuckles softly and kisses my forehead. "You melted like pudding." He teases tightening his arms around me and tangling his legs with mine.

"Needed this." I murmur into his skin and nuzzling his face against his.

He hums and the noise vibrates through me. "Get some sleep Merlin, I'm not going anywhere."

I tilt my head back so I can see his eyes, he looks so happy and content. Stretching up I gingerly kiss his jaw and follow it slowly to his mouth. Arthur's lips seem a little more willing than before a tiny gasp of encouragement is all that I need to apply more pressure.

Arthur pulls away, kissing my cheeks, my eyes, and every space of skin on my face. I close my eyes with his ministrations. His hand on my back slides up to cup my face and inhale deeply, taking the scent that in uniquely Arthur.

"I won't let anything happen to you again." He whispers, sounding like a vow.

My heart clenches and all I can think to say is; "I trust you."

Softly kissing me thoroughly, Arthur pulls away and snuggles into the mattress. "Sleep, now." He says tiredly.

I don't want to but remember Arthur has been up all night talking with his father and has spent the last few days staying up to watch over me. Sighing with contentment I nestle into Arthur and can't think of anywhere I would rather be.


	9. Beautiful Agony

*Angst, angst, angst, angst, so much angst. A little bit of self-mutilation and a very sad Merlin, a very, very sad Merlin.

For a few days I am coping. Arthur is there every step of the way and when I urge him to go back to his duties he argues but eventually gives in. I am fine, I barely think of what happened. I slowly get back into my chores though the Prince is reluctant to assign any. I stay to Arthur's chambers and no one asks questions.

As promised Uther doesn't bother me and even quickly leaves the room if ever he's in the same space. When he does linger the king cast curious and guilt ridden eyes at me followed by a small smile. If Arthur's notices he hasn't said anything.

My injuries are healing nicely and Gaius says there should be little to no scarring. I'm grateful for that, every time I dress and see the yellowing bruises my stomach flips uncomfortably. Gaius' potions are helping with the pain and I no longer feel strain on my ribs, I suspect my magic is a factor in my quick healing.

I had taken to sitting in the gardens, taking full advantage of the spring sunlight. At least once every day I am sitting amongst the blooms but today, today it's too much. Here in the flowers the air feels heavy and the overwhelming floral scent is gagging.

My eyes are watering as I cover my mouth and make my retreat. The feeling of suffocating is pressing heavily on my throat. I barely make it back to Arthur's chambers before collapsing. The cold stone of the floor grounds me and lessens the pain. Gasping for air I can't draw a proper breath, I squeeze my eyes shut.

After several agonizing minutes I can breathe again and my mouth has become like sand paper. Pushing myself up I manage to stand shakily leaning against the door at my back. Looking across the room I spot a jug, using the wall I make my way over to the table. My hands are shaking so badly that water splashes out but I somehow fill a glass.

Grabbing the cup I go to bring it to my mouth but my grip is weak and it falls to the floor breaking, sending glass shards all over. Water soaks the stones darkening them. Sighing I kneel to clean up the glass. Picking up the first piece my fingers slip and cuts shallowly.

"Damn," I hiss dropping the glass back to the ground.

Examining the injury I see it's a small cut but blood is already running down my arm from my finger in a thin stream. The slight sting from the wound sends a thrilled shiver through my body. I pause, surprised by what I'm feeling. The pleasure the sight of the blood is giving me is unusual, I've never felt like this around my blood before.

Slowly I lift my uninjured hand and press against the cut. Pain laces down my arm but it's combined so tightly with pleasure I can't decipher it. I press harder on the wound and begin to feel disgusted at the thrill I feel from it. It's not the blood that gives me the pleasure but the pain I realize.

I have found it. I have found the pain I deserve. The pain that made me feel better while at the same time solidified the fact of what an inhuman creature I am.

Look down at the glass I locate a larger piece. Grabbing it I tentatively start making more cuts on my hand. Every cut is a fresh wave of pleasure filled pain that gets better with every addition. They're all shallow but well with thick blood. My hand is soon coated in a layer of warm blood that is cooling quickly.

Dropping the glass piece I press against the bleeding hand and more blood coats my arm. I know I shouldn't be doing this but I'm relishing in the pain. I just notice tears are rolling down my face but they aren't from this pain, they're for a different pain.

"You deserve this," I tell myself, "you are disgusting and don't deserve the life you have." The words coming from my mouth sound foreign but ring true. They make me heart beat faster and a growing anticipation starts blooming in my chest.

I have this great destiny but I'm far from special. I can't do anything right maybe I did deserve being captured, and maybe I did deserve everything I have experienced. I have failed magic and I have contributed to the hatred towards magic. I have helped put those like me to death and haven't lifted a finger to help them. Why? Because I am afraid for myself, I'm afraid I will be the one on the next pyre in the courtyard.

"You are a monster." I hiss staring at the vivid red rolling down my arm.

My captor isn't the thing in the dark, it is me. I am the thing children should fear. Everything my captor had ever told me wove into my very being. He had been right.

The sound of the door being opened quails the rest of my dark thoughts.

"Merlin?" Arthur's voice sounds followed by steps.

He appears within seconds finding me crouched on the ground. I can imagine the sight he's seeing. Me covered in blood with tears on my face. His eyes widen at me and he's by my side ripping a strip from his shirt and quickly wrapping it around my hand.

"What happened?" He asks ignoring me when I protest.

There's no way I'm about to tell him the truth. "I dropped the glass and when I went to pick it up I cut my hand." So it's not all a lie.

Arthur shakes his head. "I'm surprised you've survived this long without losing a limb." He teases.

"I'll be fine," I assure him, "the cuts shouldn't be deep."

I wish they were deeper, not too much deeper of course but enough to feel the pain to my soul.

Arthur made an irritated noise but his face speaks of his concern, "we should get you to Gaius." He helps me to my feet.

I shake my head, Gaius would know I did this to myself, "There's linens in that cupboard over there. I can take care of it." I assure him sitting down at the table.

Arthur looks ready to argue but a pleading look from me spurs him to his feet and over to the cupboard. "Are you sure you're alright?" He presses when he returns with the linens.

Smiling weakly I thank him while it take them, "I'm fine." I repeat glancing at his face as I work. His face shows worry.

"A maid said she saw you running here," he murmurs watching my face.

I feel the color drain from me and anger wells. "You have maids spying on me!" I snap.

Arthur takes a sharp breathe. "No…I just asked them to keep an eye on you if they see you." He stammers touching my arm.

I jerk away from him, standing up. "I am not a child Arthur! I don't need you to cuddle me!" I hiss and see the pain in his eyes.

"I'm not…"

He tries to speak but I'm consumed by the rage burning through me. "What? You're not what? Treating me like glass? I'm not fragile Arthur nor am I broken. I don't need you!" I don't really hear the words coming out of me. I just know that I am angry and I'm not sure if it's Arthur I'm mad at. "You are not my mother! Go back to your training and leave me alone. Just leave me ALONE!" I scream the last word.

Arthur is still his eyes penetrating mine but all I see is my own anger reflected back at me. Without a word he turns around and leaves.

When the doors shutting behind him I fall to the floor everything spills out of me and I dry heave, gasping through the pain flooding through me. "Fuck!" I cry though it's not as loud as I wish it could be. I want to feel my throat ripping from the sound so I can't speak for days. I press against my bandaged hand adding to the pain I already feel.

_Why?_

I want to know.

I don't hate Arthur or Uther, I don't even hate my captor. No I hate myself. I hate how I have all this power but I still can't seem to make a difference. I can do nothing with it even when that's all I want to do. I just want to be what I am supposed to be. I want to be the Great Emrys that I've heard so much about.

I want to change the world so everyone can be who they want to be and be who they were born to be.

I press my forehead into the cold stone floor and squeeze my eyes shut. I hate myself so much for being so weak, for failing at the destiny I am shouldering. How can I be the one who will help Arthur unite Albion? Arthur will be a great king, I already know this, and I can see it. How will I help in something he already is?

Opening my eyes I push myself up on unsteady legs and crawl onto Arthur's bed that had equally become mine. I curl up in the center pulling my knees to my chest.

Arthur deserves someone much stronger than me. Someone who can actually defend themselves not only with magic but with steel as well. He is my friend and I love him more than anything in the world. I will do everything within in my ability to keep him safe, this is a vow I have made hundreds of times. I won't break that promise but how can I protect him when I can't even protect myself? How can I do much good when I'm so useless?

Arthur didn't deserve the pain I saw in his eyes. He had already faced so much pain. I am his friend and I shouldn't be causing him anymore pain.

My thoughts slowly pull me towards sleep.

* * *

I wake when the door opens behind me. It shuts so soundlessly I am surprised I woke at all but I have been waiting for Arthur to return. The chamber is dark since the sun had set hours ago. I listen as Arthur moves around the room and soon warm flickering light from the fireplace lights the room with its glow. I hear Arthur's footsteps halt next to the bed.

Finding the courage I speak, "I did this to myself." I lift up my bandaged hand.

"What?" His voice is quiet seeming to be testing my mood.

"I cut my hand on purpose." I clarify and tears warm my cheeks, "the glass fell down and broke when I went to pick up the pieces I cut my hand. The pain from the cut felt…good. For the first time since…" my voice drifts for a moment, "I felt human so I cut again and again. I knew I shouldn't be enjoying it or feeling what I was feeling but...I couldn't stop. I would have probably done more if you hadn't come in." I confess knowing it's true.

"I shouldn't have yelled at you, you have done so much for me and I know you think me ungrateful…that isn't the truth. The truth is I don't deserve this kindness because my captor was right I do deserve to be punished." My voice is thick with emotion. "I've let so many people die and have done nothing to help them. I have witnessed Uther's corruption firsthand and have stood by for fear of my own life. I have been told over and over again that I have some great destiny with all this power but I am so afraid. I let those innocent people die…" My words crack with a broken sob.

"I hate myself so much that the pain is the only thing that makes sense. Why should I be happy when innocent people are dead? I did nothing to help. I am a monster, a vile thing that crawls upon the earth and deserves every pain. I am worthless." My words hang heavy in the air with so much heat but I feel cold and empty. My hand throbs and I press against it releasing a fresh wave of pain.

A weight leans into my back and hands appear in my vision, gripping to pull my hands apart. I let Arthur do as he wills and find myself maneuvered into a position coiled against his chest. I am completely in his lap and I feel like a child but I don't care. One of Arthur's arms is wrapped around my waist holding me to him while the other cups my face stroking my cheek.

"You are not worthless," Arthur's words start out slow and I can feel them rumbling through his chest accented by the steady beat of his heart against my ear. "You are not a monster and vile is not a word I would use to describe you even in your worst mood. I don't think you are ungrateful, I think you are hurting and are having a hard time comprehending that pain." His hand moves sliding into my hair.

"You are not the only one who stood by. I have watched my father's paranoia far longer and I have watched hundreds of more innocent people die because of his laws. If anyone should feel guilt it is me and the gods know how guilty I feel." Arthur's voice doesn't waver and his hand is playing with the hair on the back of my neck.

"I know I can't take your pain away even when it's the only thing I wish I could do but Avalon knows I will try every day to see you smile. Merlin, you don't deserve pain, nothing that man said is true. If you are the monster you claim you would not be feeling like this. You are not evil Merlin, no bone in your body has an ounce of malice in it. You are strong, stronger than you think and as strong as I know you are. I believe in you Merlin even if you won't, I will believe in you every day for the rest of my life and nothing will ever change that." Arthur's moth brushes against my forehead.

I don't know what Arthur is expecting but there is no miraculous revelation that makes me believe every word he's said, there is no sudden lift from my soul and everything is brighter. If anything I only half believe his words but know that I am far from the person he is describing. I clutch at his shirt and wish I could be half of what he has said.

I had a new plan, I had hurt Arthur enough with my weakness. I needed to find the strength to make him happy. If I can't do anything else his happiness will be my priority.

"How you believe in something so weak?" I ask.

Arthur's arm around my waist tightened. "I have faith in you Merlin, at the end of the day you are the only one I know will be there no matter what."

That is true I will be by Arthur's side as long as I breathe even if I am useless. Not only is my destiny centered on him but my love for him is too strong to ignore.

"You don't seem to understand how much you mean to me and how much I rely on you." Arthur whispers in my ear.

Now I know his words are lies. Arthur; the crowned prince, the expert swordsmen, and courageous future ruler of Camelot relied on anyone but the men he commanded.

"I understand that your faith is ill placed." I murmur.

Arthur sighs as he shifts us so he's laying down. "It's the only thing I've ever been sure about."

My stomach drops and I turn my face into his chest, letting the tears run full force from my eyes. As I cry Arthur signs softly stroking my hair. The domestic intimacy makes me cry harder. Here again my selfishness is rearing. This is the thing I've wanted for so long. I have robbed Arthur of the happiness he truly deserves and I wander how long it will be before he does finally give up on me.


	10. Relief

*So a warning for a bit of fluff and sexy times. I finally gave Merlin something nice so enjoy because it won't last, nope not at all. Thank you for sticking with this fic it's sad and terrible but I do like writing it.

I haven't cut myself again. Arthur never said but I know he doesn't approve, thankfully he doesn't say anything. I resist the temptation with that knowledge. Arthur's happiness is my top priority and it turns out that the Prince is a cuddler.

Waking in Arthur's arms every morning is a dream and a nightmare at the same time, he sees everything now. I opened myself up to him and now he is aware. He hears my night terrors and witnesses my body's reaction to them. I wake either screaming or moaning there is no in between. Arthur is quick to comfort and doesn't mention anything in the morning like I fear he might. My mother was the only one I have ever been so close to but this experience is completely different.

Over a span of a few days my dreams shift and it's not me that is suffering under my captor's hand. The first night it happens I end up getting sick all over the floor. Arthur is there humming softly and stroking my back. Every night for a week the dreams grow darker and darker

It's near dawn when I wake in a sweat, swallowing back bile. Arthur is awake as always, pulling me closer and kissing the side of my face. My body is shaking uncontrollably and I nestle into Arthur's chest and squeeze my eyes shut wishing my mind would stop replaying the dream.

"Merlin," Arthur whispers, "Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did." I point out.

He sighs heavily, "I'm trying to have a serious conversation."

Sighing as well I turn my head to look up at him. "Yes, fine what's your serious question oh royal prattness." I say and see something flash across his features. I fear for a moment that I might have gone too far. "I'm sorry, I want to hear your question." I find his hand and squeeze it gently. Arthur returns the pressure.

"I know your dreams have changed." He pauses seeming to be fighting for his next words. "Do you want to tell me about them, your dreams, I want to know."

My stomach flips and I pull myself away from him closer to the edge of the bed. Arthur doesn't try and stop me but I feel him tense. "Why?" I ask sticking with the one word unable to trust my voice.

Arthur touches my hand. "I want to understand what scares you, I want to know. Please?"

I move my hand out of his reach and roll on to my side facing away from him. I don't want him to know the darkness that larks within in my dreams. I don't want him to have to listen to the atrocities my mind came up with but a small part of me is thrilled. I had opened up to him finally and he knows my secrets why shouldn't he know my fears? That is selfish of me, him knowing won't benefit to his happiness but it will bring him closer to me.

"Why? Why is so damn important to you to see how disgusting I am?" I'm not angry I just don't want him to hear this side of me.

Arthur doesn't flinch. "I just want to know. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

My heart nearly stops when I hear the stiff tone he uses. I roll on to my back keeping my body separated from him. "You really want to hear about my dream?" I already know his answer.

"I wouldn't be asking if I didn't." He replies.

I rub a hand over my face. "It isn't pleasant."

His hand finds mine, "I know."

I know he thinks he knows but he can't understand fully no matter what. The contact of his skin on mine is too move and I squeeze his hand before folding my arms over my chest.

"You are right my dreams have changed before they were mostly the same. I am back in that castle with my captor and he is…punishing me in the ways he usually did. He liked to hold me down with magic until I screamed." I feel Arthur shift and expect a touch but it never comes.

"He appears as he always does, naked. He arranged me as he always did with my knees up and a pillow under my hips. Sometimes he would prepare me but not this time…this time he pushes in with nothing." My backside burns with my words and I breathe in sharply. "It doesn't matter how much I scream or struggle. I can't stop him. I could feel everything all over again." Tears begin running down my face and I hadn't even gotten to the worse part.

"My dream changed and I am watching while he…" My voice falters and pain erupts in my chest, more tears course down my face.

"Merlin," Arthur whispers quietly a hand stroking my arm.

Somehow that bring my voice back. Swallowing thickly I continue, "I watched while he did things to you." My words are steady even though I hate saying them out loud.

Arthur's hand halts in its stroking but only for a moment before resuming. "I was just as helpless. I only wanted to protect you and I couldn't. He just laughed…he laughed and hurt you more." My voice is a whisper and I roll on my side away from Arthur, curling my legs to my chest.

"I'm always so helpless, how can you stand it?" I ask as Arthur slides closer pressing into my back. His nose is in my hair inhaling deeply and he nuzzles.

"You aren't helpless Merlin, you have saved my life countless times. There was nothing you could do but it was just a dream." Arthur tries to comfort.

It doesn't help. I know my dream is more than what it is giving away. I feel it. Arthur is so strong all the time I have never seen anything else from him even in the most dire situations. Why would fate be so cruel as to give Arthur someone like me?

Arthur's stroking hand trails down my sides trigger and completely different sensation and I wriggle against it before realizing that it tickles. Arthur's hand stops but press inquisitively on my side. I suppress a gasp but wiggle instead.

"Are you ticklish?" He asks with a hint of a chuckle. He feathers his fingers down my side and I barely cut off my giggles. "You are!" He says in triumph.

In an instant I find myself on my back with Arthur straddling my hips, his fingers are a whirlwind along my sides.

I'm withering and laughing on the bed. "Stop, please stop!" I gasp.

Arthur's efforts increase instead.

I haven't laughed like this in a long while. "Arthur, please I'm going to peed if you don't stop!" I manage.

Arthur gave a wicked grin but his fingers still as he leans forward, kissing me deeply. The pressure of his mouth on mine is intense so full of want. My body freezes but my mouth moves on its own accord. Whatever it is doing Arthur seems to like it because he moans and his hands tangle in my hair.

His mouth ravages mine, his tongue diving in and out of my mouth, twisting and pulling on my tongue. Groaning my hands slide to his hips dragging his body closer, grinding our arousals together.

Arthur jerks and pulls away. His eyes are blown wide with lust but his face is contorted into a look of horror. He pulls his hands away from me and moves back. "Merlin, I'm sorry."

Blinking in confusion I move to him and wrap around him. "Don't be sorry," I tell him pulling him on top of me, "don't ever be sorry about making me feel this way." I rub against him.

Arthur's eyes flutter shut and he lets out a gasp.

I continue teasing him, kissing along his jawline and running my hands over his naked back. "You will never do something that will drive me away." I breathe against his lips, our mouths brushing. Darting out my tongue I trace the bottom of Arthur's lips with the tip.

"Merlin," Arthur pants thrusting out hips together.

"Gods." I moan.

I've never felt like this. My body tingles with every sensation and a warmth is building in my chest it sizzles through my system in a way I can only describe as love. I know I love Arthur but this is deeper, this is more.

"Arthur," I hiss as teeth nip down my neck, "I love you." The words come out of me in a wave.

Arthur's mouth stops, everything stops, and he pulls away to look at me. I think I may have said something wrong but the look of wonder on his face and the smile stretching his mouth reassures me.

"Merlin," he purrs resting his forehead against mine, "for so long I have loved you."

I can't contain the whimper that breaks from me with his confession and my hips buck on their own accord.

"I love you." He repeats as he kisses every inch of my face.

Over and over the words are repeated, I believe them with every fiber of my being. I've felt this intensity for Arthur since shortly after becoming his manservant. I just never thought anything would be replicated. My very soul is on fire with the knowledge that Arthur loves me.

"Merlin!" Arthur pants.

Him panting and moaning my name thrills me and increases my arousal, I feel a little primal and growl. Using my weight I roll us over so my straddling Arthur's hips.

"Mine," I breathe licking behind his ear, nipping at the lobe lightly. The possessive tone that came from me is surprising.

Arthur's eyes widen and he gasps in a sound of pure pleasure, his fingers dig into my skin. "Yours," That simple word makes my chest tighten, "yours, always yours." He moans, arching into me.

Moving my head down I brush my lips along his jaw and suck on his ear for a moment, "Arthur," I whisper darting my tongue out to trace the shell, "I'm going to mark you so everyone can see my claim, so everyone will know you're mine."

Arthur's breathing hitches and a loud moan echoes through the room.

"Would you like that? Would you want everyone to see? Would you want everyone to know?" I ask slowly feeling Arthur's body vibrating beneath me.

"Yes!" Arthur groans his hips thrusting wildly, "do it, mark me. Make me yours."

Meeting his abandonment I lean my head down attaching to the skin between his neck and shoulder. Sucking and biting I know that I will leave a lovely and colorful mark.

Arthur gives several cries and a hand cradles the back of my head as I suck. Our hips are a blur, finding a chaotic rhythm but there's not enough friction and we are hovering on the edge.

As I claim Arthur I slid a hand between us, stilling Arthur's bucking and push down his night pants releasing him before moving to mine. Our lengths start rubbing together and it's the right amount of pressure. Several minutes of skin on skin contact is all it takes before Arthur shouts his release coating me with a large amount of seed.

The sight of Arthur's pleasure and warmth covering me is all I need to follow him over the edge. We lay there tucked together breathing heavily for some time. Heat is bubbling in my stomach as my body begins to cool and it tickles the back of my throat until I start laughing. I can't stop laughing, it rumbles through my whole being.

"What is so funny?" Arthur asks.

I sit up and look down on him as my laugh dies but a smile creases my face. "I just…wow! That was incredible." I say feeling my laugh coming back up.

Arthur blinks uncertainly but a smile spreads across his face. He reaches up a hand to caress my face and trails his fingers downward. His seed is begin to dry and flake on my skin. "Better clean this up." Arthur suggests gesturing at the mess.

I glance down at it and feel a sort of pride with it on me but I know he's right. With a surge of my magic the mess disappears and we are both clean with only the mark on Arthur's neck as evidence. Arthur looks up with wide eyes but still has his large smile. "You are useful." He chuckles running a hand over the smooth skin.

Sighing I collapse on my side but I'm quickly gathered closer to Arthur with my head nestled under his chin. With a few more minutes of shifting the remainder of clothes are thrown off and we settle into the mattress. The sun is rising over the horizon and light is seeping in through the window stretching slowly over the stone towards the bed.

"We should probably get up." I mutter into Arthur's chest kissing the skin lightly.

Arthur hums but makes no move to get up, only tightens his grip around me. I nuzzle and wiggle into the hold, wanting to stay like this as long as possible.

"I have nothing to do today, I gave Leon training and had all the council meetings cancelled. I needed a day with you." Arthur says his fingers trailing down my back.

I tilt my head up to see his face. "And what are we going to do on this day we have to ourselves?" I tease.

Arthur smirks and kisses my forehead gently. "Whatever you want." He replies.

Laying my head back down on his chest I close my eyes and snuggle into his chest. "I like this." I sigh and for the first time in a while I actually feel content and relaxed. For once my entire being is focused on the solidity of the warmth of Arthur beneath me.

R&R please and thank you, love hearing for you!


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